Ya know. I was going to put up this big insightful post about a raw nerve or two that people seem to be stomping all over lately. But I realized its pretty pointless. Its not going to change a thing. People will continue to be snobbish omniscient assholes no matter how many times I blog or tweet or text about it. No matter how many times I rant ans rage, no matter how offended, no matter how belittled I feel...nothing is ever going to change. Ill always have to be the "bigger man" and turn the other cheek and keep the moral high ground. Im tired of keeping the moral high ground. Im tired of letting people walk all over me so that everyone can play nice.
But im most tired of not being able to effectively vent without being told to calm down ans just play nice with peoples. Im tired of being proven wrong everytime I decide to actually open up and share my feelings. Im reminded of why I keep my mouth shut every time that I do the opposite. What's the benefit? I feel like Shit more often than I did when I kept to myself. The mind wobbles. ;)
Mahalo
2.17.2012
6.30.2011
vibes?
There are times where im very good at reading people. Noticing body language, subtle changes in speech, changes in habits. There are times where my mind is my own worst enemy. I tend to overthink, read too much into things, pick up on patterns that may or may not be there. The problem is that with patterns they're entirely subjective to the observer. If you stare at something long enough you'll see what you want to see. The other problem is that sometimes the pattern you're perceiving is the correct one. Much like Schroedinger's cat though, you'll never know until you open the box. Then all you can do is sit back and see a dead cat when you were so hoping for a live one.
The point is that there are hundreds of little clues everyday getting tossed into your face like a pair of panties at a strip club. How you fit the pieces together may or may not be the right way. The person that used to say I love you as soon as you told them the same suddenly doesn't say it back. Does that mean they don't love you anymore? Does it mean that they're getting tired of saying it? Who the hell knows. Maybe they're just tired and not feeling that well. Hell if I know. The person who used to call you the moment they woke up and now doesn't and sleeps in? Is there a sign there to look out for or is it just paranoia and they just want some god damn sleep? While it could be disconcerting to the person on one side of this, it doesn't mean that there's anything to worry about. Or it means there's everything to worry about. Hell im tired of thinking and just wish I could be blissfully ignorant like a normal person for once in my life.
There's a lot of people who would say that im very perceptive. There's a lot of people who would say that im self-sabotaging. That last one is especially true at times. Im very much a creature of habit and don't sometimes handle change all that well. A friend once said that im a defender and a helper. Both of those are very true. But its the second part of her statement that I have yet to type that I feel is crucial to the study of the woody Mikey. She said, but what happens when the person doesn't need you anymore. You've helped them far too well and they don't need to be helped. You start to feel rejected and distance yourself. And this second part is true. There have been so many important people in my life and the sad, inevitable truth is that sometimes they don't need your help anymore and they move past you. People will always move on and unfortunately there is such a thing as being too good a guy. You just have to prepare yourself for the time when someone important in your life no longer needs your help and learn how to handle it. Im having a hard time with it personally...I always have. I feel so empty and longing to feel the warmth of someone needing you again, needing you to protect them. It'll happen to everyone at some point whether its your children, your friends, lovers, even your parents. At one point everyone will go from needing you, to you helping them past their problems and no longer needing you.
The point is that there are hundreds of little clues everyday getting tossed into your face like a pair of panties at a strip club. How you fit the pieces together may or may not be the right way. The person that used to say I love you as soon as you told them the same suddenly doesn't say it back. Does that mean they don't love you anymore? Does it mean that they're getting tired of saying it? Who the hell knows. Maybe they're just tired and not feeling that well. Hell if I know. The person who used to call you the moment they woke up and now doesn't and sleeps in? Is there a sign there to look out for or is it just paranoia and they just want some god damn sleep? While it could be disconcerting to the person on one side of this, it doesn't mean that there's anything to worry about. Or it means there's everything to worry about. Hell im tired of thinking and just wish I could be blissfully ignorant like a normal person for once in my life.
There's a lot of people who would say that im very perceptive. There's a lot of people who would say that im self-sabotaging. That last one is especially true at times. Im very much a creature of habit and don't sometimes handle change all that well. A friend once said that im a defender and a helper. Both of those are very true. But its the second part of her statement that I have yet to type that I feel is crucial to the study of the woody Mikey. She said, but what happens when the person doesn't need you anymore. You've helped them far too well and they don't need to be helped. You start to feel rejected and distance yourself. And this second part is true. There have been so many important people in my life and the sad, inevitable truth is that sometimes they don't need your help anymore and they move past you. People will always move on and unfortunately there is such a thing as being too good a guy. You just have to prepare yourself for the time when someone important in your life no longer needs your help and learn how to handle it. Im having a hard time with it personally...I always have. I feel so empty and longing to feel the warmth of someone needing you again, needing you to protect them. It'll happen to everyone at some point whether its your children, your friends, lovers, even your parents. At one point everyone will go from needing you, to you helping them past their problems and no longer needing you.
12.17.2010
There's Not Really A Lot to Say
There's not much really to say about much of anything to be completely honest. I've just felt really down in the dumps and moving in fast on that depression kick. I just feel like the world just HAS to take a huge dump on me at every convenient moment.
I wish I could be like some people and just end up somehow happy without a care in the world. I open up and I get hurt. That seems to be the way of the world. Yvonne always used to say that I was impenetrable; I'd never let anyone in. But, yano...at least people never used that against me, and I was happy. I open up to people, let people in, and they end up hurting me and I feel miserable and alone instead of strong and immortal. There's one shining point in my life right now. Just one. That's kind of sad when you break it right down.
I'm using this blog again to try and get some of these feelings out. i've got a long long, hard road ahead of me and it's going to come down to me needing to get some of this stuff out without taking it out on other people...to keep myself as happy as possible during that time. So, I guess this is round one or two of the process. I'm sure there'll be more shortly
Mahalo
I wish I could be like some people and just end up somehow happy without a care in the world. I open up and I get hurt. That seems to be the way of the world. Yvonne always used to say that I was impenetrable; I'd never let anyone in. But, yano...at least people never used that against me, and I was happy. I open up to people, let people in, and they end up hurting me and I feel miserable and alone instead of strong and immortal. There's one shining point in my life right now. Just one. That's kind of sad when you break it right down.
I'm using this blog again to try and get some of these feelings out. i've got a long long, hard road ahead of me and it's going to come down to me needing to get some of this stuff out without taking it out on other people...to keep myself as happy as possible during that time. So, I guess this is round one or two of the process. I'm sure there'll be more shortly
Mahalo
12.16.2010
Lost in the Woods
Things looks like I'll probably be using this thing more often again. there just so many things going on in my life right now, a blank canvas seems like the perfect place to put them all down and lift a little bit of the weight that I've been shouldering and hopefully lift my spirits a bit.
this week seems have all gone to shot straight out of the gate and I can't even wrap my mind around all of it. Honestly I don't think that I've felt worse about things in general in a very long time; culminating last night I'm being physically I'll over the cluster of fuckery that's been taking place over the last couple of days. We'll start with work and migrate from there as best I can/am able to.
Work's been trying to fuck me over for years now. Quite possibly another reason that I haven't posted here in quite some time. Between trying to fired over bullshit things a co-worker did with the time cards to trying to fire memo er sick time use, it's been a never ending battle at work. all of this came crashing down again this Monday to start the day off right with yet another day spent in the department head's office discussing contract policy and such. I had to come in late last week in order to fix my boiler. I wasn't going to let my family freeze...I'm sorry, that's just how it is. apparently that's not considered an "acceptable excuse" for being late, to management at least.
And so I go to the union rep for the building. I could represent myself, but I do enough of the union work around here and wanted to make him do his job. He's refusing to take the case up at all to protect his own ass. fucking lovely. so I'm deadlocked there with the only action being to tale it up the chain. and that'll come at a price as I know that the entire Maintenance Department will then have a decent reason to be pissed at me.
At the same time someone said something very hurtful to someone I care about a lot. Most people who know me know that I'm a worrier and I want to help the situation if I'm able to. it just feels like they e pushed me away a bit since then and it kind of bothered me a bit.
there's other HUGE things going on that I'm not gonna share here at the moment...but they're enormous and I don't know quite what to do or say about them until things improve/progress
and I feel comfortable enough to talk about them to the world. I don't really feel better about things after this post, but they're at least out in the open where I can look at them at least.
Mahalo
this week seems have all gone to shot straight out of the gate and I can't even wrap my mind around all of it. Honestly I don't think that I've felt worse about things in general in a very long time; culminating last night I'm being physically I'll over the cluster of fuckery that's been taking place over the last couple of days. We'll start with work and migrate from there as best I can/am able to.
Work's been trying to fuck me over for years now. Quite possibly another reason that I haven't posted here in quite some time. Between trying to fired over bullshit things a co-worker did with the time cards to trying to fire memo er sick time use, it's been a never ending battle at work. all of this came crashing down again this Monday to start the day off right with yet another day spent in the department head's office discussing contract policy and such. I had to come in late last week in order to fix my boiler. I wasn't going to let my family freeze...I'm sorry, that's just how it is. apparently that's not considered an "acceptable excuse" for being late, to management at least.
And so I go to the union rep for the building. I could represent myself, but I do enough of the union work around here and wanted to make him do his job. He's refusing to take the case up at all to protect his own ass. fucking lovely. so I'm deadlocked there with the only action being to tale it up the chain. and that'll come at a price as I know that the entire Maintenance Department will then have a decent reason to be pissed at me.
At the same time someone said something very hurtful to someone I care about a lot. Most people who know me know that I'm a worrier and I want to help the situation if I'm able to. it just feels like they e pushed me away a bit since then and it kind of bothered me a bit.
there's other HUGE things going on that I'm not gonna share here at the moment...but they're enormous and I don't know quite what to do or say about them until things improve/progress
and I feel comfortable enough to talk about them to the world. I don't really feel better about things after this post, but they're at least out in the open where I can look at them at least.
Mahalo
6.01.2010
Video Games and Us: An Introspective
While the title may be a bit deceiving, I feel that it, in a way pertains to what I'm about to talk about. Though i'd imagine that the fact that I'm actually blogging in this thing for the first time in years should probably come as a much larger shock to most...though I heavily doubt that there's anyone left to actually read this thing, so it's more a matter of getting things off of my chest that have been weighing there for several days.
I'm sure if there's anyone left reading this, I've told them that I've been heavily engrossed in Champions Online for the last couple of months. I've joined up with a pretty great supergroup and had a generally good time. Really that is until the other day when a great group of people put together a costume contest and really did a great job of organizing the chaos. Of course you're going to have people spouting off at the mouth about how they should have won, and how the judges were biased and so on and so forth. But I think what really bothers me is the elitism that sprang forth from the SG that i'm a part of concerning who the winners were. Which kind of lends to the topic of this post, anonymity and things that it spawns in normally decent people.
The problem with something such as a costume contest is that they are completely subjective. There are no hard and fast rules as to how and who people should win or lose. In this case, there's three judges, three different perspectives, and three different ideas of what they, personally, think is "best". Imagine trying to get those three perspectives in line with having to judge probably close to 70 different people's ideas of what they think is the "best costume". of course people are gonna get all hurt and angry over it. But, i think what bothers me is the reaction of some in my group. They decided, that since they didn't win, they were going to put on their own costume contest, by their rules, and basically find a way to make sure that they win. Unlike some of the other games, I haven't gotten close, personally, with but maybe a handful of people in the group. This perhaps may tint my opinion and experience a bit in this case, but I feel that it was utter arrogance on the SG's part to do this and has basically made me decide that I won't be participating in the group's Costume Contest.
It's funny to listen to someone 'take sides' in a video game, but i feel that our group is in the wrong and it's simple arrogance that is taking them further down the path. I've always felt that when it comes to SG's, Guilds, Kinships, or whatever the name for a group of people playing under one banner, the biggest downfall of them all is the arrogance and simple ballsiness that comes from the complete anonymity of the internet. This may sound like an incredibly fine point to be harping on, but truly there's a small feeling of betrayal and loss of respect with, what I should most probably call...a dick move.
Again, there's an incredible amount of effort that's put into running something like that, an incredible amount of patience to deal with the outburst and outcry of the people who didn't win that they have to deal with, not to mention the pure logistics of organizing things, gathering prizes, making sure everything's how you want to make it. There's going to be people claiming that they're playing favorites, and all sorts of arguments that makes even thinking about running a second one a living hell, I would imagine.
The problem is that the two groups are, or maybe were...not sure what the sentiments are like nowadays, close. I'm sure that after some of the things said that the relationship dynamic might change a bit. It's not my place, nor in my ability to say for sure. But again it seems to come down to pure arrogance. I can't abide by arrogance for too long. So what I guess I'm getting off my chest is that, once again, I'm starting to feel that discontent that always seems to come from getting involved with a large SG. This time though, I will not start up my own Supergroup like in CoH. If I leave it may well spell the end of my days playing CO. The last fall-out in CoH took me out of the game entirely for nine months, the second one driving me completely away from the game. As much as I don't want that to happen, I can't feel and deal with the type of situation that will possibly spring from events such as this. It's put me in something of a funk for the last couple of days, and I told myself a long time ago that things happening in a game wouldn't do that to me anymore. Good lord I hope I haven't put this blog in my forum profile somewhere.
I'm sure if there's anyone left reading this, I've told them that I've been heavily engrossed in Champions Online for the last couple of months. I've joined up with a pretty great supergroup and had a generally good time. Really that is until the other day when a great group of people put together a costume contest and really did a great job of organizing the chaos. Of course you're going to have people spouting off at the mouth about how they should have won, and how the judges were biased and so on and so forth. But I think what really bothers me is the elitism that sprang forth from the SG that i'm a part of concerning who the winners were. Which kind of lends to the topic of this post, anonymity and things that it spawns in normally decent people.
The problem with something such as a costume contest is that they are completely subjective. There are no hard and fast rules as to how and who people should win or lose. In this case, there's three judges, three different perspectives, and three different ideas of what they, personally, think is "best". Imagine trying to get those three perspectives in line with having to judge probably close to 70 different people's ideas of what they think is the "best costume". of course people are gonna get all hurt and angry over it. But, i think what bothers me is the reaction of some in my group. They decided, that since they didn't win, they were going to put on their own costume contest, by their rules, and basically find a way to make sure that they win. Unlike some of the other games, I haven't gotten close, personally, with but maybe a handful of people in the group. This perhaps may tint my opinion and experience a bit in this case, but I feel that it was utter arrogance on the SG's part to do this and has basically made me decide that I won't be participating in the group's Costume Contest.
It's funny to listen to someone 'take sides' in a video game, but i feel that our group is in the wrong and it's simple arrogance that is taking them further down the path. I've always felt that when it comes to SG's, Guilds, Kinships, or whatever the name for a group of people playing under one banner, the biggest downfall of them all is the arrogance and simple ballsiness that comes from the complete anonymity of the internet. This may sound like an incredibly fine point to be harping on, but truly there's a small feeling of betrayal and loss of respect with, what I should most probably call...a dick move.
Again, there's an incredible amount of effort that's put into running something like that, an incredible amount of patience to deal with the outburst and outcry of the people who didn't win that they have to deal with, not to mention the pure logistics of organizing things, gathering prizes, making sure everything's how you want to make it. There's going to be people claiming that they're playing favorites, and all sorts of arguments that makes even thinking about running a second one a living hell, I would imagine.
The problem is that the two groups are, or maybe were...not sure what the sentiments are like nowadays, close. I'm sure that after some of the things said that the relationship dynamic might change a bit. It's not my place, nor in my ability to say for sure. But again it seems to come down to pure arrogance. I can't abide by arrogance for too long. So what I guess I'm getting off my chest is that, once again, I'm starting to feel that discontent that always seems to come from getting involved with a large SG. This time though, I will not start up my own Supergroup like in CoH. If I leave it may well spell the end of my days playing CO. The last fall-out in CoH took me out of the game entirely for nine months, the second one driving me completely away from the game. As much as I don't want that to happen, I can't feel and deal with the type of situation that will possibly spring from events such as this. It's put me in something of a funk for the last couple of days, and I told myself a long time ago that things happening in a game wouldn't do that to me anymore. Good lord I hope I haven't put this blog in my forum profile somewhere.
4.18.2007
Changes is Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes...
I'm sure everybody's noticed the incredibly generic look to this blog of late. Mainly it's because when I converted over to the new google blogger version of stuff, it deleted my template, and silly me never had the brilliant thought to back it up. So, anywho we're stuck with things the way they are until things change. But to be honest I could really give a shit the way this blog looks. As I'm sure anybody who still reads this thing is aware, I haven't regularly updated in probably close to a year to a year and a half. The reason for that is quite simple. I've got a hell of a super group to run in City of Heroes. E-Branch has grown much farther beyond what I could have imagined. There's a bunch of new people, new coalitions, and new fun to be had. So honestly that takes up a majority of what used to be my blogging time.
Things aren't much different to be honest. I've been updating the base in CoH and trying to make everything run smoothly. There's been some issues here and there, but all in all it's been a great trip. We're in the process of helping out a member of our coalition with their current base issues, so we're turning a bit of our attention from ourselves to our allies to help them out any way that we can. It hurts us a little bit, but it helps everybody out in the long run. I hate to see a good supergroup start going down the tubes, especially when i feel partially responsible for it. A lot of the Cold Front members have been playing alts in my SG, taking prestige away from their own SG. So we're trying to reciprocate a bit and transfer some of our active alts over there. Of course this really couldn't have taken place at a worse time for us, where we're dead in the middle of needing Prestige ourselves for our own upgrades. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it i'm sure.
Things aren't much different to be honest. I've been updating the base in CoH and trying to make everything run smoothly. There's been some issues here and there, but all in all it's been a great trip. We're in the process of helping out a member of our coalition with their current base issues, so we're turning a bit of our attention from ourselves to our allies to help them out any way that we can. It hurts us a little bit, but it helps everybody out in the long run. I hate to see a good supergroup start going down the tubes, especially when i feel partially responsible for it. A lot of the Cold Front members have been playing alts in my SG, taking prestige away from their own SG. So we're trying to reciprocate a bit and transfer some of our active alts over there. Of course this really couldn't have taken place at a worse time for us, where we're dead in the middle of needing Prestige ourselves for our own upgrades. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it i'm sure.
3.02.2007
Wow...
Has it really been that long? Anywho things haven't really changed all that much. No, really. it's probably exactly the same as the last time i posted. playing City of Heroes pretty regularly with my own Supergroup now, E-Branch. Most of you who have known me for a good length of time know that i've got an unhealthy fascination with the Necroscope books written by Brian Lumley. That and I started up E-Branch on another server when I first started playing. So when things went sour with my old group it felt only natural that I revive it. It's a very fun group of people that I've collected for the most part. Just like any group of people there are personality clashes and such. But for the most part we can hang out and have a good time.
Other than that same ole same ole. Working at the jetport and going to school at night. makes for some long days. Anyway, that's all i wanted to say. probably not much point in saying much more since nothing much has changed. I've just been, really, existing...not so much living but just getting by.
Mahalo
Other than that same ole same ole. Working at the jetport and going to school at night. makes for some long days. Anyway, that's all i wanted to say. probably not much point in saying much more since nothing much has changed. I've just been, really, existing...not so much living but just getting by.
Mahalo
8.14.2006
Not much of a chance lately...
It's been forever, but honestly i've been up to my eyeballs in work and problems so i've been slacking. I started my job at the jetport in the middle of july and i've been trying to adjust to the idiocy of federal/state/municipal mandates all trying to live in the same building. As i'm sure that all of you have heard about the little terra issue in the UK, so of course that really weighed in on my job, making it hell dealing with the TSA, who see themselves as the defenders of the free world...for the moment.
Also there's a lot of union politics floating around here that is really crawling up my nerves, especially considering that it deals specifically with my job. this is gonna be quick since i'm on a work computer, my internet at the house has all but crapped out for the moment, only to be (hopefully) fixed wednesday by a tech, but i've got a big rant saved up.
Also there's a lot of union politics floating around here that is really crawling up my nerves, especially considering that it deals specifically with my job. this is gonna be quick since i'm on a work computer, my internet at the house has all but crapped out for the moment, only to be (hopefully) fixed wednesday by a tech, but i've got a big rant saved up.
6.23.2006
just kill me now....
Hi gang...erm persons, person...small dog accidently pushing keys on the computer? It's been a while and frankly it's been because i'm sick as hell. It's been going on probably two weeks now and this ick isn't breaking up for anything. I've been coughing and stuffed straight up for a while now and have been just miserable. I haven't played a lot of games or anything, mostly been sleeping, getting up and going to work, and well that's about it. I've got nothing new or exciting going on on any front. same shit different day really. I had an interview out at the jetport for a HVAC assistant's job. it pays more than 200 a week more than i'm making now, and i'm essentially a helper. It's something that I don't know if i could get used to being again, but for almost 600 a week i'm sure that i can learn to suck it up :) not to mention it's for the City so i think i'd pretty much have to hijack an airliner in order to get fired. Anywho, that's my update for now. catch you guys later
Mahalo
Mahalo
5.16.2006
Finally....
I figure that it's been long enough so I'll go ahead and update this thing. Things have been pretty busy around here lately to be honest. I'm working down at the City in the downtown district. Most days I'm pretty much a glorified garbage man for much of the day, but there's stuff like for festivals and such that we maintain downtown before it gets completely trashed. It's pretty fun to be honest. I get paid less than I would doing air conditioning, but i think it's been a fair trade off for that much less stress. I'm going to try and get down there full time after I get my CDL before this summer is over and done with. I've got a funky work schedule so if you haven't been able to get a hold of me then you know why. I work sunday through thursday 6am to 230pm. It seems like it would suck, but it gives me a weekday off and pretty much half a day everyday so it's not too bad really.
Also I just got back from Memphis for a meet and greet with the Eternals. The whole event was a blast. Was nice to put faces behind the avatars and everybody was cool as hell.
Been playing City of Heroes and World of Warcraft back and forth so i've been pretty entertained in my off hours. that's about all for now really
Mahalo
Also I just got back from Memphis for a meet and greet with the Eternals. The whole event was a blast. Was nice to put faces behind the avatars and everybody was cool as hell.
Been playing City of Heroes and World of Warcraft back and forth so i've been pretty entertained in my off hours. that's about all for now really
Mahalo
3.21.2006
3.07.2006
Like the Prodigal Son I've Returned...
Sorry it's been so long, but I've been writing my ass off everywhere else but here. Nothing much new to report. I've been playing CoH and writing more in the continuing saga of IB and the SG i'm running around with, the Eternals. My fledgling little Kheldian is now lvl 29 and I've spent most of my time on her. I've been in something of a creative mood lately so I've been writing like there's no tomorrow. Nothing else much new to report on. I know, there hasn't been any snark or humor in a while, but the truth is that there isn't much going on.
My uncle brought his 'computer' over for me to 'fix' earlier today. He's got this P2 266 that he, for some reason, wishes to salvage. He's got one of those buddies that is a self-proclaimed computer god and he fixed it before it fell into my hands. Unfortunately most of my family is computer illiterate and so the bulk of the tech stuff falls on my shoulders. I don't mind because it keeps me sharp, but this thing unless you just want to play Free Cell is about useless. He's still running Windows 95 for god's sake. So I'm gonna upgrade him to Windows 98 at least, since he only has 64 megs of memory. I'm not sure if i even want to put it on my network for fear of contaminating it :)
Anywho that's my monthly report. I can guarantee that the next month will be pretty much more of the same. Perhaps I might even post up one of these stories that I'm writing. Who knows.
Mahalo
My uncle brought his 'computer' over for me to 'fix' earlier today. He's got this P2 266 that he, for some reason, wishes to salvage. He's got one of those buddies that is a self-proclaimed computer god and he fixed it before it fell into my hands. Unfortunately most of my family is computer illiterate and so the bulk of the tech stuff falls on my shoulders. I don't mind because it keeps me sharp, but this thing unless you just want to play Free Cell is about useless. He's still running Windows 95 for god's sake. So I'm gonna upgrade him to Windows 98 at least, since he only has 64 megs of memory. I'm not sure if i even want to put it on my network for fear of contaminating it :)
Anywho that's my monthly report. I can guarantee that the next month will be pretty much more of the same. Perhaps I might even post up one of these stories that I'm writing. Who knows.
Mahalo
3.03.2006
Blah
Blah blah blah blah. "Blah! blah bla blah?", blah blah. Blah, blah blah blab blah blah blah blah; blah blah blah. Blah blah. "blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...blah blah...blah blah blah.", blah blah. blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. " blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.", blah blah.
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. " blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. blah!", blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
That is all.
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. " blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. blah!", blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
That is all.
2.25.2006
Not to Fret
That mood from the last post has very much passed and I'm in a stupendous mood at the moment. That is all
Mahalo
Mahalo
2.23.2006
Emotional Low Ahead...Watch Your Head
As I sit in front of my computer, Whitesnake and Queensryche plays in the background. The clicking of keys and the rock voices of Ian Astbury and others drift over the sound of Starcraft and The Little Einsteins in the background. The glass in front of me contains 1 part Cruzan rum and 1 part coke. The pack of cigarettes stare me in the face, begging me for just one smoke. Just one and the world will be a better place. I don't want a cigarette. I don't even want to smoke. I barely do now, only under two circumstances: Instances of incredible stress, and instances of depression. My mood darkened and finally fell to black approximately 30 minutes ago. The sound of ice preceding the sound of the rum falling from the bottle. Ice cracked and rose as the glass slowly filled. I went from flying so high today. But like Icarus my wings have melted and I have crashed to earth. To earth with a realisation of some sort. My mind tries to find what conclusion it has come to. It's as clueless as I am. I haven't been really and truly depressed in a long time. Especially in light of the happiness I've felt recently this strikes me as odd. Am I manic/depressant? Am I just simply caught in a funk? Is there no communication in this car? We can't stop here, it's bat country.
I long for new words from Hunter S. Thompson. I crave to hear the Gonzo report from the frontlines of the American way. I'm pulling the plug on my RPG playtest. I had only one person that responded and he is now in Great Lakes making possibly the second biggest mistake of his life. The first was not taking my advice 3 years ago. I've decided that this RPG is not going anywhere. I've been writing and pushing for this thing for close to 3 years now. I'm tired. I'm spent and paper thin as far as my dreams for this thing go. I want to sleep. I haven't slept for 3 nights now. No one knows this. When you're in the middle of sleep deprivation everything is a copy of a copy of a copy. I want to feel the warmth of the sun and feel the rumble of thunder. We can swim out to the ocean. Leave them far behind. Swim out past the breakers. Watch the world die.
The glass is empty, only melted ice and the diluted mixture of dark estate rum and coke intermingled with the water shed from the disintegrating ice cubes. The son winds up his plastic puppy and watched it lurch across the floor. The sounds of Protoss Carriers releasing their payload of Interceptors all performing an aerial ballet to a soundtrack of Lords of Acid and Tool. Ian Astbury still sings sings of his Fire Woman and tells us that She Sells Sanctuary. All will be right with the world tomorrow I am sure of it.
I long for new words from Hunter S. Thompson. I crave to hear the Gonzo report from the frontlines of the American way. I'm pulling the plug on my RPG playtest. I had only one person that responded and he is now in Great Lakes making possibly the second biggest mistake of his life. The first was not taking my advice 3 years ago. I've decided that this RPG is not going anywhere. I've been writing and pushing for this thing for close to 3 years now. I'm tired. I'm spent and paper thin as far as my dreams for this thing go. I want to sleep. I haven't slept for 3 nights now. No one knows this. When you're in the middle of sleep deprivation everything is a copy of a copy of a copy. I want to feel the warmth of the sun and feel the rumble of thunder. We can swim out to the ocean. Leave them far behind. Swim out past the breakers. Watch the world die.
The glass is empty, only melted ice and the diluted mixture of dark estate rum and coke intermingled with the water shed from the disintegrating ice cubes. The son winds up his plastic puppy and watched it lurch across the floor. The sounds of Protoss Carriers releasing their payload of Interceptors all performing an aerial ballet to a soundtrack of Lords of Acid and Tool. Ian Astbury still sings sings of his Fire Woman and tells us that She Sells Sanctuary. All will be right with the world tomorrow I am sure of it.
2.07.2006
City of Heroes update.
Just throwing up a quick post because after close to 18 months i've finally gotten IB to Security Level 50. He is now 'Hero of the City' It's kinda hard at the same time too. It's not that I can't play him anymore, but that there's no real need to aside from helping people out if they need it. But there's no more advancement for him. That's it. Now he just gets to sit around and look pretty. Though with getting him to Level 50 it opens up the epic archetypes to play. Though IB's been something of a favorite of mine in that game. He exists on several servers and now thanks to the RP section of our forums now has an incredibly complicated backstory and future. Here's the screenshot I took of the last time IB's gonna ding
Also here is a pic of the Kheldian who is taking his place. It's his daughter from another time and dimension. As I said he's got quite the complicated story surrounding him now and it's kind of coming to fruition now.
I think that's about all of the updating that I can handle for one day on the subject. Just nice to say that i've finally gotten a character, a Controller even, to lvl 50.
Also here is a pic of the Kheldian who is taking his place. It's his daughter from another time and dimension. As I said he's got quite the complicated story surrounding him now and it's kind of coming to fruition now.
I think that's about all of the updating that I can handle for one day on the subject. Just nice to say that i've finally gotten a character, a Controller even, to lvl 50.
2.01.2006
Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition...
So i had an interview with the City of Portland today. Now what really amazed me is that it probably could have been. I applied for a job as a plant engineer, which is essentially a glorified title for a service tech. I was expecting a one on one interview like with any other job...no I got to sit with a virtual jury of supervisors to answer vague questions about whatever they might have been thinking. There were no questions like 'Tell us about your experience working on boilers.' there was stuff like 'tell us about maintenances.' hell if i knew i was gonna be giving speeches i would have prepared something.
So I dunno if I got that job but I felt there wasn't a need to be interrogated by five people. Hell I've seen some of the people that work for the city, you'd think they'd just have a drop box and whatever name they picked out they hire. Don't get me wrong there's some good guys working for the city but a lot of them don't have licenses for DUI and such and some come in looking like they just woke up in the dumpster behind the building. oh well i'm sure there'll be something pop up sometime...
mahalo
So I dunno if I got that job but I felt there wasn't a need to be interrogated by five people. Hell I've seen some of the people that work for the city, you'd think they'd just have a drop box and whatever name they picked out they hire. Don't get me wrong there's some good guys working for the city but a lot of them don't have licenses for DUI and such and some come in looking like they just woke up in the dumpster behind the building. oh well i'm sure there'll be something pop up sometime...
mahalo
1.22.2006
strange vibes
I've been caught in something of a strange mood all day for some reason. I've been thinking back on a lot of stuff for odd reasons and I've realised that i've done a lot of bad things to a lot of people over the years. Yes, we all do bad things at one time or another, but there's people out there that had done nothing wrong short of loving me in one form or another that I've ultimately done wrong in some way. Again I know that we hurt the ones we love and all that but I really can't help but feel bad about them. Why this presses on me now I'll never know but if I've done something to you in the past then I apologize. There are just some things that I can't explain so that others will understand and I really can't help the way that my heart and mind travel.
At times I've been called a prick, at others I've most likely been called far worse. I am all of these things. I'm sure that we all have skeletons in our collective closets; some worse than others. But the point is that everything weighs on you whether you believe it does or not, or whether you meant to do something or not. The choices you didn't make, the selfish choices that you did make. All of them leave some sort of mark on you. Some of these people ultimately learn from and correct so as not to hurt somebody else like that again. Some people shut others out so entirely that no one can understand what goes on behind those eyes. And this will be some people's downfall. I'm just as guilty as anybody else. I don't like people to read me because I don't like lending out more of myself than I really have to. Some people just make me open up just by being there. Strangely enough most of these people live in other states.
I couldn't really tell you why any of this weighs on me now like it does but perhaps I can feel a little better about things knowing that this is out here and that if you are in a similar situation then know that you're not alone and that some things you can't make amends for. All you can do is move on with your life and hope that things work out for the best for everybody else involved. I have a strong belief in Karma. This is not why I say all of this now, however if you feel like your life is turning to shit and you don't know why...apologize to someone you've wronged. It may not change your life, but you'll at least feel a little better about yourself.
At times I've been called a prick, at others I've most likely been called far worse. I am all of these things. I'm sure that we all have skeletons in our collective closets; some worse than others. But the point is that everything weighs on you whether you believe it does or not, or whether you meant to do something or not. The choices you didn't make, the selfish choices that you did make. All of them leave some sort of mark on you. Some of these people ultimately learn from and correct so as not to hurt somebody else like that again. Some people shut others out so entirely that no one can understand what goes on behind those eyes. And this will be some people's downfall. I'm just as guilty as anybody else. I don't like people to read me because I don't like lending out more of myself than I really have to. Some people just make me open up just by being there. Strangely enough most of these people live in other states.
I couldn't really tell you why any of this weighs on me now like it does but perhaps I can feel a little better about things knowing that this is out here and that if you are in a similar situation then know that you're not alone and that some things you can't make amends for. All you can do is move on with your life and hope that things work out for the best for everybody else involved. I have a strong belief in Karma. This is not why I say all of this now, however if you feel like your life is turning to shit and you don't know why...apologize to someone you've wronged. It may not change your life, but you'll at least feel a little better about yourself.
1.18.2006
updating and such...
I've done absolutely nothing for the last couple of days. It's been kinda nice but kind of depressing at the same time. There's a sick little one at the moment that is absolutely miserable, and so everybody is miserable. I've been playing CoH and kinda being a little depressed. The state of Maine has been kind enough to remind me that I've been unemployed for three months now. It's one of those things where you know you're doing what you can to fix the situation and yet no good is coming of it. I had to go to a career workshop two weeks ago and aside from being a complete waste of my time aside from satisfying the state's requirements for me to stay on Unemployment, the lady said something about not being depressed about being unemployed. And they all have the canned speech about how they've all been there before and such and they know what we're going through, like it's some sort of AA intervention. Well I am depressed about it and the kind people at the state can't seem to figure out why. Here's the skinny. I've now worked for two different AC companies in the last 2 years since I've moved up from florida. When I moved up I needed to get my gas and oil licenses in Maine. Both companies hired me, for essentially nothing, under the pretense that they'd get me these licenses. Two years and two companies later I still don't have either. As soon as things get tight I get laid off for either lack of work or not having my licenses (!) So my prospects of working in anything that doesn't involve taking orders for fries seems to be pretty slim. This is especially considering that the state won't help me go back to school. So which part of this am I not supposed to be depressed about? That is all
Mahalo
Mahalo
1.11.2006
Updates and Dev Digest Week 2
I tacked the second week dev digest because there was nothing that went on in the group. A couple of characters trickled their way in but no other activity. Hopefully there will be more activity soon or I'm just gonna have to run the story myself. No planned revisions in the works. There's some stuff I plan on implementing but I want to wait to see how the current systems work together
Other than that it's been pretty quiet around here. Been playing some CoH and talking on Trillian with a friend, sometimes two. I've been writing a lot lately and really can't turn the valve off for some reason. I took a couple of weeks off of writing so I could address some issues here at the casa and such and once again, once I start i can't turn the frikkin thing off. Damn I need a vacation from being unemployed...
Mahalo
Other than that it's been pretty quiet around here. Been playing some CoH and talking on Trillian with a friend, sometimes two. I've been writing a lot lately and really can't turn the valve off for some reason. I took a couple of weeks off of writing so I could address some issues here at the casa and such and once again, once I start i can't turn the frikkin thing off. Damn I need a vacation from being unemployed...
Mahalo