Another Best of...

Well it's been a while since I put up a "Best of" post. For those unfamiliar with these I'll put up a brief explanation. I originally had another blog titled "Adventures in Chronic Delirium" I would say that that blog was probably some of my best writing to date. Well it went away and i created this one as a more "honest" and "no holds barred" blog. I would occasionally post some of the more amusing or enlightening posts from that blog up here. Well here's another one. This one was originally posted August 29th 2002,

Today's topic goes along with my strange line of thoughts. it has to do with the much touted, but never really thought out use of things such as chocolate and cheez wiz in the bedroom. Now, I know what you're thinking...but it's so much fun. But that response usually comes from someone who's never really tried covering someone in chocolate and tried licking it off. Now, first of all lets think about this step by step. I mean really, I'm trying to save you people a few diabetic comas here. Lets start by covering the object of your desire in chocolate. First of all this usually demands large amounts of melted chocolate. Let's say you start at the feet, it'll become a sticky, quickly hardening mess by the time you get to the really interesting parts. The same goes really for Cheez Wiz. OK, we can move on, assuming you've covered your partner in said chocolate without cementing them to the bedsheets/Kitchen table/couch/wherever you end up. Now comes the removal process.

Now, most of you will think that this is either A) incredibly easy and/or B) incredibly sensual. You're probably right on the B side but have you cosidered the sheer amount of chocolate you'll be ingesting? Think about it really before you dive into this. You'll be ingesting on average about a pound or more of pure grade A chocolate. Now we'll start at the feet again, since most people like to start where they began in the first place. Increases the suspense, yada yada yada. Now this chocolate has dried and hardened on your poor partner. As you begin to lick it off I would say that you would get somewhere around mid thigh or if you're pretty stalwart, maybe the waist area, before all of this pure carbohydrate mass starts to hit your stomach. Kinda like when you eat too many M&M's, they begin to be slightly unappetizing. This leaves your poor partner left with a half a body full of sticky chocolate. Now sex would be next to impossible as the important aras would still be sticky, leading to not only possible infections, but friction would be hell.

Think before you act. Make love responsibly. This could save your relationship in the long run. Just doing my part to help out.