There's not much really to say about much of anything to be completely honest. I've just felt really down in the dumps and moving in fast on that depression kick. I just feel like the world just HAS to take a huge dump on me at every convenient moment.
I wish I could be like some people and just end up somehow happy without a care in the world. I open up and I get hurt. That seems to be the way of the world. Yvonne always used to say that I was impenetrable; I'd never let anyone in. But, yano...at least people never used that against me, and I was happy. I open up to people, let people in, and they end up hurting me and I feel miserable and alone instead of strong and immortal. There's one shining point in my life right now. Just one. That's kind of sad when you break it right down.
I'm using this blog again to try and get some of these feelings out. i've got a long long, hard road ahead of me and it's going to come down to me needing to get some of this stuff out without taking it out on other people...to keep myself as happy as possible during that time. So, I guess this is round one or two of the process. I'm sure there'll be more shortly
Mahalo
12.17.2010
12.16.2010
Lost in the Woods
Things looks like I'll probably be using this thing more often again. there just so many things going on in my life right now, a blank canvas seems like the perfect place to put them all down and lift a little bit of the weight that I've been shouldering and hopefully lift my spirits a bit.
this week seems have all gone to shot straight out of the gate and I can't even wrap my mind around all of it. Honestly I don't think that I've felt worse about things in general in a very long time; culminating last night I'm being physically I'll over the cluster of fuckery that's been taking place over the last couple of days. We'll start with work and migrate from there as best I can/am able to.
Work's been trying to fuck me over for years now. Quite possibly another reason that I haven't posted here in quite some time. Between trying to fired over bullshit things a co-worker did with the time cards to trying to fire memo er sick time use, it's been a never ending battle at work. all of this came crashing down again this Monday to start the day off right with yet another day spent in the department head's office discussing contract policy and such. I had to come in late last week in order to fix my boiler. I wasn't going to let my family freeze...I'm sorry, that's just how it is. apparently that's not considered an "acceptable excuse" for being late, to management at least.
And so I go to the union rep for the building. I could represent myself, but I do enough of the union work around here and wanted to make him do his job. He's refusing to take the case up at all to protect his own ass. fucking lovely. so I'm deadlocked there with the only action being to tale it up the chain. and that'll come at a price as I know that the entire Maintenance Department will then have a decent reason to be pissed at me.
At the same time someone said something very hurtful to someone I care about a lot. Most people who know me know that I'm a worrier and I want to help the situation if I'm able to. it just feels like they e pushed me away a bit since then and it kind of bothered me a bit.
there's other HUGE things going on that I'm not gonna share here at the moment...but they're enormous and I don't know quite what to do or say about them until things improve/progress
and I feel comfortable enough to talk about them to the world. I don't really feel better about things after this post, but they're at least out in the open where I can look at them at least.
Mahalo
this week seems have all gone to shot straight out of the gate and I can't even wrap my mind around all of it. Honestly I don't think that I've felt worse about things in general in a very long time; culminating last night I'm being physically I'll over the cluster of fuckery that's been taking place over the last couple of days. We'll start with work and migrate from there as best I can/am able to.
Work's been trying to fuck me over for years now. Quite possibly another reason that I haven't posted here in quite some time. Between trying to fired over bullshit things a co-worker did with the time cards to trying to fire memo er sick time use, it's been a never ending battle at work. all of this came crashing down again this Monday to start the day off right with yet another day spent in the department head's office discussing contract policy and such. I had to come in late last week in order to fix my boiler. I wasn't going to let my family freeze...I'm sorry, that's just how it is. apparently that's not considered an "acceptable excuse" for being late, to management at least.
And so I go to the union rep for the building. I could represent myself, but I do enough of the union work around here and wanted to make him do his job. He's refusing to take the case up at all to protect his own ass. fucking lovely. so I'm deadlocked there with the only action being to tale it up the chain. and that'll come at a price as I know that the entire Maintenance Department will then have a decent reason to be pissed at me.
At the same time someone said something very hurtful to someone I care about a lot. Most people who know me know that I'm a worrier and I want to help the situation if I'm able to. it just feels like they e pushed me away a bit since then and it kind of bothered me a bit.
there's other HUGE things going on that I'm not gonna share here at the moment...but they're enormous and I don't know quite what to do or say about them until things improve/progress
and I feel comfortable enough to talk about them to the world. I don't really feel better about things after this post, but they're at least out in the open where I can look at them at least.
Mahalo
6.01.2010
Video Games and Us: An Introspective
While the title may be a bit deceiving, I feel that it, in a way pertains to what I'm about to talk about. Though i'd imagine that the fact that I'm actually blogging in this thing for the first time in years should probably come as a much larger shock to most...though I heavily doubt that there's anyone left to actually read this thing, so it's more a matter of getting things off of my chest that have been weighing there for several days.
I'm sure if there's anyone left reading this, I've told them that I've been heavily engrossed in Champions Online for the last couple of months. I've joined up with a pretty great supergroup and had a generally good time. Really that is until the other day when a great group of people put together a costume contest and really did a great job of organizing the chaos. Of course you're going to have people spouting off at the mouth about how they should have won, and how the judges were biased and so on and so forth. But I think what really bothers me is the elitism that sprang forth from the SG that i'm a part of concerning who the winners were. Which kind of lends to the topic of this post, anonymity and things that it spawns in normally decent people.
The problem with something such as a costume contest is that they are completely subjective. There are no hard and fast rules as to how and who people should win or lose. In this case, there's three judges, three different perspectives, and three different ideas of what they, personally, think is "best". Imagine trying to get those three perspectives in line with having to judge probably close to 70 different people's ideas of what they think is the "best costume". of course people are gonna get all hurt and angry over it. But, i think what bothers me is the reaction of some in my group. They decided, that since they didn't win, they were going to put on their own costume contest, by their rules, and basically find a way to make sure that they win. Unlike some of the other games, I haven't gotten close, personally, with but maybe a handful of people in the group. This perhaps may tint my opinion and experience a bit in this case, but I feel that it was utter arrogance on the SG's part to do this and has basically made me decide that I won't be participating in the group's Costume Contest.
It's funny to listen to someone 'take sides' in a video game, but i feel that our group is in the wrong and it's simple arrogance that is taking them further down the path. I've always felt that when it comes to SG's, Guilds, Kinships, or whatever the name for a group of people playing under one banner, the biggest downfall of them all is the arrogance and simple ballsiness that comes from the complete anonymity of the internet. This may sound like an incredibly fine point to be harping on, but truly there's a small feeling of betrayal and loss of respect with, what I should most probably call...a dick move.
Again, there's an incredible amount of effort that's put into running something like that, an incredible amount of patience to deal with the outburst and outcry of the people who didn't win that they have to deal with, not to mention the pure logistics of organizing things, gathering prizes, making sure everything's how you want to make it. There's going to be people claiming that they're playing favorites, and all sorts of arguments that makes even thinking about running a second one a living hell, I would imagine.
The problem is that the two groups are, or maybe were...not sure what the sentiments are like nowadays, close. I'm sure that after some of the things said that the relationship dynamic might change a bit. It's not my place, nor in my ability to say for sure. But again it seems to come down to pure arrogance. I can't abide by arrogance for too long. So what I guess I'm getting off my chest is that, once again, I'm starting to feel that discontent that always seems to come from getting involved with a large SG. This time though, I will not start up my own Supergroup like in CoH. If I leave it may well spell the end of my days playing CO. The last fall-out in CoH took me out of the game entirely for nine months, the second one driving me completely away from the game. As much as I don't want that to happen, I can't feel and deal with the type of situation that will possibly spring from events such as this. It's put me in something of a funk for the last couple of days, and I told myself a long time ago that things happening in a game wouldn't do that to me anymore. Good lord I hope I haven't put this blog in my forum profile somewhere.
I'm sure if there's anyone left reading this, I've told them that I've been heavily engrossed in Champions Online for the last couple of months. I've joined up with a pretty great supergroup and had a generally good time. Really that is until the other day when a great group of people put together a costume contest and really did a great job of organizing the chaos. Of course you're going to have people spouting off at the mouth about how they should have won, and how the judges were biased and so on and so forth. But I think what really bothers me is the elitism that sprang forth from the SG that i'm a part of concerning who the winners were. Which kind of lends to the topic of this post, anonymity and things that it spawns in normally decent people.
The problem with something such as a costume contest is that they are completely subjective. There are no hard and fast rules as to how and who people should win or lose. In this case, there's three judges, three different perspectives, and three different ideas of what they, personally, think is "best". Imagine trying to get those three perspectives in line with having to judge probably close to 70 different people's ideas of what they think is the "best costume". of course people are gonna get all hurt and angry over it. But, i think what bothers me is the reaction of some in my group. They decided, that since they didn't win, they were going to put on their own costume contest, by their rules, and basically find a way to make sure that they win. Unlike some of the other games, I haven't gotten close, personally, with but maybe a handful of people in the group. This perhaps may tint my opinion and experience a bit in this case, but I feel that it was utter arrogance on the SG's part to do this and has basically made me decide that I won't be participating in the group's Costume Contest.
It's funny to listen to someone 'take sides' in a video game, but i feel that our group is in the wrong and it's simple arrogance that is taking them further down the path. I've always felt that when it comes to SG's, Guilds, Kinships, or whatever the name for a group of people playing under one banner, the biggest downfall of them all is the arrogance and simple ballsiness that comes from the complete anonymity of the internet. This may sound like an incredibly fine point to be harping on, but truly there's a small feeling of betrayal and loss of respect with, what I should most probably call...a dick move.
Again, there's an incredible amount of effort that's put into running something like that, an incredible amount of patience to deal with the outburst and outcry of the people who didn't win that they have to deal with, not to mention the pure logistics of organizing things, gathering prizes, making sure everything's how you want to make it. There's going to be people claiming that they're playing favorites, and all sorts of arguments that makes even thinking about running a second one a living hell, I would imagine.
The problem is that the two groups are, or maybe were...not sure what the sentiments are like nowadays, close. I'm sure that after some of the things said that the relationship dynamic might change a bit. It's not my place, nor in my ability to say for sure. But again it seems to come down to pure arrogance. I can't abide by arrogance for too long. So what I guess I'm getting off my chest is that, once again, I'm starting to feel that discontent that always seems to come from getting involved with a large SG. This time though, I will not start up my own Supergroup like in CoH. If I leave it may well spell the end of my days playing CO. The last fall-out in CoH took me out of the game entirely for nine months, the second one driving me completely away from the game. As much as I don't want that to happen, I can't feel and deal with the type of situation that will possibly spring from events such as this. It's put me in something of a funk for the last couple of days, and I told myself a long time ago that things happening in a game wouldn't do that to me anymore. Good lord I hope I haven't put this blog in my forum profile somewhere.