There's not much really to say about much of anything to be completely honest. I've just felt really down in the dumps and moving in fast on that depression kick. I just feel like the world just HAS to take a huge dump on me at every convenient moment.
I wish I could be like some people and just end up somehow happy without a care in the world. I open up and I get hurt. That seems to be the way of the world. Yvonne always used to say that I was impenetrable; I'd never let anyone in. But, yano...at least people never used that against me, and I was happy. I open up to people, let people in, and they end up hurting me and I feel miserable and alone instead of strong and immortal. There's one shining point in my life right now. Just one. That's kind of sad when you break it right down.
I'm using this blog again to try and get some of these feelings out. i've got a long long, hard road ahead of me and it's going to come down to me needing to get some of this stuff out without taking it out on other people...to keep myself as happy as possible during that time. So, I guess this is round one or two of the process. I'm sure there'll be more shortly
Mahalo
12.17.2010
12.16.2010
Lost in the Woods
Things looks like I'll probably be using this thing more often again. there just so many things going on in my life right now, a blank canvas seems like the perfect place to put them all down and lift a little bit of the weight that I've been shouldering and hopefully lift my spirits a bit.
this week seems have all gone to shot straight out of the gate and I can't even wrap my mind around all of it. Honestly I don't think that I've felt worse about things in general in a very long time; culminating last night I'm being physically I'll over the cluster of fuckery that's been taking place over the last couple of days. We'll start with work and migrate from there as best I can/am able to.
Work's been trying to fuck me over for years now. Quite possibly another reason that I haven't posted here in quite some time. Between trying to fired over bullshit things a co-worker did with the time cards to trying to fire memo er sick time use, it's been a never ending battle at work. all of this came crashing down again this Monday to start the day off right with yet another day spent in the department head's office discussing contract policy and such. I had to come in late last week in order to fix my boiler. I wasn't going to let my family freeze...I'm sorry, that's just how it is. apparently that's not considered an "acceptable excuse" for being late, to management at least.
And so I go to the union rep for the building. I could represent myself, but I do enough of the union work around here and wanted to make him do his job. He's refusing to take the case up at all to protect his own ass. fucking lovely. so I'm deadlocked there with the only action being to tale it up the chain. and that'll come at a price as I know that the entire Maintenance Department will then have a decent reason to be pissed at me.
At the same time someone said something very hurtful to someone I care about a lot. Most people who know me know that I'm a worrier and I want to help the situation if I'm able to. it just feels like they e pushed me away a bit since then and it kind of bothered me a bit.
there's other HUGE things going on that I'm not gonna share here at the moment...but they're enormous and I don't know quite what to do or say about them until things improve/progress
and I feel comfortable enough to talk about them to the world. I don't really feel better about things after this post, but they're at least out in the open where I can look at them at least.
Mahalo
this week seems have all gone to shot straight out of the gate and I can't even wrap my mind around all of it. Honestly I don't think that I've felt worse about things in general in a very long time; culminating last night I'm being physically I'll over the cluster of fuckery that's been taking place over the last couple of days. We'll start with work and migrate from there as best I can/am able to.
Work's been trying to fuck me over for years now. Quite possibly another reason that I haven't posted here in quite some time. Between trying to fired over bullshit things a co-worker did with the time cards to trying to fire memo er sick time use, it's been a never ending battle at work. all of this came crashing down again this Monday to start the day off right with yet another day spent in the department head's office discussing contract policy and such. I had to come in late last week in order to fix my boiler. I wasn't going to let my family freeze...I'm sorry, that's just how it is. apparently that's not considered an "acceptable excuse" for being late, to management at least.
And so I go to the union rep for the building. I could represent myself, but I do enough of the union work around here and wanted to make him do his job. He's refusing to take the case up at all to protect his own ass. fucking lovely. so I'm deadlocked there with the only action being to tale it up the chain. and that'll come at a price as I know that the entire Maintenance Department will then have a decent reason to be pissed at me.
At the same time someone said something very hurtful to someone I care about a lot. Most people who know me know that I'm a worrier and I want to help the situation if I'm able to. it just feels like they e pushed me away a bit since then and it kind of bothered me a bit.
there's other HUGE things going on that I'm not gonna share here at the moment...but they're enormous and I don't know quite what to do or say about them until things improve/progress
and I feel comfortable enough to talk about them to the world. I don't really feel better about things after this post, but they're at least out in the open where I can look at them at least.
Mahalo