Ya know. I was going to put up this big insightful post about a raw nerve or two that people seem to be stomping all over lately. But I realized its pretty pointless. Its not going to change a thing. People will continue to be snobbish omniscient assholes no matter how many times I blog or tweet or text about it. No matter how many times I rant ans rage, no matter how offended, no matter how belittled I feel...nothing is ever going to change. Ill always have to be the "bigger man" and turn the other cheek and keep the moral high ground. Im tired of keeping the moral high ground. Im tired of letting people walk all over me so that everyone can play nice.
But im most tired of not being able to effectively vent without being told to calm down ans just play nice with peoples. Im tired of being proven wrong everytime I decide to actually open up and share my feelings. Im reminded of why I keep my mouth shut every time that I do the opposite. What's the benefit? I feel like Shit more often than I did when I kept to myself. The mind wobbles. ;)
Mahalo
2.17.2012
6.30.2011
vibes?
There are times where im very good at reading people. Noticing body language, subtle changes in speech, changes in habits. There are times where my mind is my own worst enemy. I tend to overthink, read too much into things, pick up on patterns that may or may not be there. The problem is that with patterns they're entirely subjective to the observer. If you stare at something long enough you'll see what you want to see. The other problem is that sometimes the pattern you're perceiving is the correct one. Much like Schroedinger's cat though, you'll never know until you open the box. Then all you can do is sit back and see a dead cat when you were so hoping for a live one.
The point is that there are hundreds of little clues everyday getting tossed into your face like a pair of panties at a strip club. How you fit the pieces together may or may not be the right way. The person that used to say I love you as soon as you told them the same suddenly doesn't say it back. Does that mean they don't love you anymore? Does it mean that they're getting tired of saying it? Who the hell knows. Maybe they're just tired and not feeling that well. Hell if I know. The person who used to call you the moment they woke up and now doesn't and sleeps in? Is there a sign there to look out for or is it just paranoia and they just want some god damn sleep? While it could be disconcerting to the person on one side of this, it doesn't mean that there's anything to worry about. Or it means there's everything to worry about. Hell im tired of thinking and just wish I could be blissfully ignorant like a normal person for once in my life.
There's a lot of people who would say that im very perceptive. There's a lot of people who would say that im self-sabotaging. That last one is especially true at times. Im very much a creature of habit and don't sometimes handle change all that well. A friend once said that im a defender and a helper. Both of those are very true. But its the second part of her statement that I have yet to type that I feel is crucial to the study of the woody Mikey. She said, but what happens when the person doesn't need you anymore. You've helped them far too well and they don't need to be helped. You start to feel rejected and distance yourself. And this second part is true. There have been so many important people in my life and the sad, inevitable truth is that sometimes they don't need your help anymore and they move past you. People will always move on and unfortunately there is such a thing as being too good a guy. You just have to prepare yourself for the time when someone important in your life no longer needs your help and learn how to handle it. Im having a hard time with it personally...I always have. I feel so empty and longing to feel the warmth of someone needing you again, needing you to protect them. It'll happen to everyone at some point whether its your children, your friends, lovers, even your parents. At one point everyone will go from needing you, to you helping them past their problems and no longer needing you.
The point is that there are hundreds of little clues everyday getting tossed into your face like a pair of panties at a strip club. How you fit the pieces together may or may not be the right way. The person that used to say I love you as soon as you told them the same suddenly doesn't say it back. Does that mean they don't love you anymore? Does it mean that they're getting tired of saying it? Who the hell knows. Maybe they're just tired and not feeling that well. Hell if I know. The person who used to call you the moment they woke up and now doesn't and sleeps in? Is there a sign there to look out for or is it just paranoia and they just want some god damn sleep? While it could be disconcerting to the person on one side of this, it doesn't mean that there's anything to worry about. Or it means there's everything to worry about. Hell im tired of thinking and just wish I could be blissfully ignorant like a normal person for once in my life.
There's a lot of people who would say that im very perceptive. There's a lot of people who would say that im self-sabotaging. That last one is especially true at times. Im very much a creature of habit and don't sometimes handle change all that well. A friend once said that im a defender and a helper. Both of those are very true. But its the second part of her statement that I have yet to type that I feel is crucial to the study of the woody Mikey. She said, but what happens when the person doesn't need you anymore. You've helped them far too well and they don't need to be helped. You start to feel rejected and distance yourself. And this second part is true. There have been so many important people in my life and the sad, inevitable truth is that sometimes they don't need your help anymore and they move past you. People will always move on and unfortunately there is such a thing as being too good a guy. You just have to prepare yourself for the time when someone important in your life no longer needs your help and learn how to handle it. Im having a hard time with it personally...I always have. I feel so empty and longing to feel the warmth of someone needing you again, needing you to protect them. It'll happen to everyone at some point whether its your children, your friends, lovers, even your parents. At one point everyone will go from needing you, to you helping them past their problems and no longer needing you.
12.17.2010
There's Not Really A Lot to Say
There's not much really to say about much of anything to be completely honest. I've just felt really down in the dumps and moving in fast on that depression kick. I just feel like the world just HAS to take a huge dump on me at every convenient moment.
I wish I could be like some people and just end up somehow happy without a care in the world. I open up and I get hurt. That seems to be the way of the world. Yvonne always used to say that I was impenetrable; I'd never let anyone in. But, yano...at least people never used that against me, and I was happy. I open up to people, let people in, and they end up hurting me and I feel miserable and alone instead of strong and immortal. There's one shining point in my life right now. Just one. That's kind of sad when you break it right down.
I'm using this blog again to try and get some of these feelings out. i've got a long long, hard road ahead of me and it's going to come down to me needing to get some of this stuff out without taking it out on other people...to keep myself as happy as possible during that time. So, I guess this is round one or two of the process. I'm sure there'll be more shortly
Mahalo
I wish I could be like some people and just end up somehow happy without a care in the world. I open up and I get hurt. That seems to be the way of the world. Yvonne always used to say that I was impenetrable; I'd never let anyone in. But, yano...at least people never used that against me, and I was happy. I open up to people, let people in, and they end up hurting me and I feel miserable and alone instead of strong and immortal. There's one shining point in my life right now. Just one. That's kind of sad when you break it right down.
I'm using this blog again to try and get some of these feelings out. i've got a long long, hard road ahead of me and it's going to come down to me needing to get some of this stuff out without taking it out on other people...to keep myself as happy as possible during that time. So, I guess this is round one or two of the process. I'm sure there'll be more shortly
Mahalo
12.16.2010
Lost in the Woods
Things looks like I'll probably be using this thing more often again. there just so many things going on in my life right now, a blank canvas seems like the perfect place to put them all down and lift a little bit of the weight that I've been shouldering and hopefully lift my spirits a bit.
this week seems have all gone to shot straight out of the gate and I can't even wrap my mind around all of it. Honestly I don't think that I've felt worse about things in general in a very long time; culminating last night I'm being physically I'll over the cluster of fuckery that's been taking place over the last couple of days. We'll start with work and migrate from there as best I can/am able to.
Work's been trying to fuck me over for years now. Quite possibly another reason that I haven't posted here in quite some time. Between trying to fired over bullshit things a co-worker did with the time cards to trying to fire memo er sick time use, it's been a never ending battle at work. all of this came crashing down again this Monday to start the day off right with yet another day spent in the department head's office discussing contract policy and such. I had to come in late last week in order to fix my boiler. I wasn't going to let my family freeze...I'm sorry, that's just how it is. apparently that's not considered an "acceptable excuse" for being late, to management at least.
And so I go to the union rep for the building. I could represent myself, but I do enough of the union work around here and wanted to make him do his job. He's refusing to take the case up at all to protect his own ass. fucking lovely. so I'm deadlocked there with the only action being to tale it up the chain. and that'll come at a price as I know that the entire Maintenance Department will then have a decent reason to be pissed at me.
At the same time someone said something very hurtful to someone I care about a lot. Most people who know me know that I'm a worrier and I want to help the situation if I'm able to. it just feels like they e pushed me away a bit since then and it kind of bothered me a bit.
there's other HUGE things going on that I'm not gonna share here at the moment...but they're enormous and I don't know quite what to do or say about them until things improve/progress
and I feel comfortable enough to talk about them to the world. I don't really feel better about things after this post, but they're at least out in the open where I can look at them at least.
Mahalo
this week seems have all gone to shot straight out of the gate and I can't even wrap my mind around all of it. Honestly I don't think that I've felt worse about things in general in a very long time; culminating last night I'm being physically I'll over the cluster of fuckery that's been taking place over the last couple of days. We'll start with work and migrate from there as best I can/am able to.
Work's been trying to fuck me over for years now. Quite possibly another reason that I haven't posted here in quite some time. Between trying to fired over bullshit things a co-worker did with the time cards to trying to fire memo er sick time use, it's been a never ending battle at work. all of this came crashing down again this Monday to start the day off right with yet another day spent in the department head's office discussing contract policy and such. I had to come in late last week in order to fix my boiler. I wasn't going to let my family freeze...I'm sorry, that's just how it is. apparently that's not considered an "acceptable excuse" for being late, to management at least.
And so I go to the union rep for the building. I could represent myself, but I do enough of the union work around here and wanted to make him do his job. He's refusing to take the case up at all to protect his own ass. fucking lovely. so I'm deadlocked there with the only action being to tale it up the chain. and that'll come at a price as I know that the entire Maintenance Department will then have a decent reason to be pissed at me.
At the same time someone said something very hurtful to someone I care about a lot. Most people who know me know that I'm a worrier and I want to help the situation if I'm able to. it just feels like they e pushed me away a bit since then and it kind of bothered me a bit.
there's other HUGE things going on that I'm not gonna share here at the moment...but they're enormous and I don't know quite what to do or say about them until things improve/progress
and I feel comfortable enough to talk about them to the world. I don't really feel better about things after this post, but they're at least out in the open where I can look at them at least.
Mahalo
6.01.2010
Video Games and Us: An Introspective
While the title may be a bit deceiving, I feel that it, in a way pertains to what I'm about to talk about. Though i'd imagine that the fact that I'm actually blogging in this thing for the first time in years should probably come as a much larger shock to most...though I heavily doubt that there's anyone left to actually read this thing, so it's more a matter of getting things off of my chest that have been weighing there for several days.
I'm sure if there's anyone left reading this, I've told them that I've been heavily engrossed in Champions Online for the last couple of months. I've joined up with a pretty great supergroup and had a generally good time. Really that is until the other day when a great group of people put together a costume contest and really did a great job of organizing the chaos. Of course you're going to have people spouting off at the mouth about how they should have won, and how the judges were biased and so on and so forth. But I think what really bothers me is the elitism that sprang forth from the SG that i'm a part of concerning who the winners were. Which kind of lends to the topic of this post, anonymity and things that it spawns in normally decent people.
The problem with something such as a costume contest is that they are completely subjective. There are no hard and fast rules as to how and who people should win or lose. In this case, there's three judges, three different perspectives, and three different ideas of what they, personally, think is "best". Imagine trying to get those three perspectives in line with having to judge probably close to 70 different people's ideas of what they think is the "best costume". of course people are gonna get all hurt and angry over it. But, i think what bothers me is the reaction of some in my group. They decided, that since they didn't win, they were going to put on their own costume contest, by their rules, and basically find a way to make sure that they win. Unlike some of the other games, I haven't gotten close, personally, with but maybe a handful of people in the group. This perhaps may tint my opinion and experience a bit in this case, but I feel that it was utter arrogance on the SG's part to do this and has basically made me decide that I won't be participating in the group's Costume Contest.
It's funny to listen to someone 'take sides' in a video game, but i feel that our group is in the wrong and it's simple arrogance that is taking them further down the path. I've always felt that when it comes to SG's, Guilds, Kinships, or whatever the name for a group of people playing under one banner, the biggest downfall of them all is the arrogance and simple ballsiness that comes from the complete anonymity of the internet. This may sound like an incredibly fine point to be harping on, but truly there's a small feeling of betrayal and loss of respect with, what I should most probably call...a dick move.
Again, there's an incredible amount of effort that's put into running something like that, an incredible amount of patience to deal with the outburst and outcry of the people who didn't win that they have to deal with, not to mention the pure logistics of organizing things, gathering prizes, making sure everything's how you want to make it. There's going to be people claiming that they're playing favorites, and all sorts of arguments that makes even thinking about running a second one a living hell, I would imagine.
The problem is that the two groups are, or maybe were...not sure what the sentiments are like nowadays, close. I'm sure that after some of the things said that the relationship dynamic might change a bit. It's not my place, nor in my ability to say for sure. But again it seems to come down to pure arrogance. I can't abide by arrogance for too long. So what I guess I'm getting off my chest is that, once again, I'm starting to feel that discontent that always seems to come from getting involved with a large SG. This time though, I will not start up my own Supergroup like in CoH. If I leave it may well spell the end of my days playing CO. The last fall-out in CoH took me out of the game entirely for nine months, the second one driving me completely away from the game. As much as I don't want that to happen, I can't feel and deal with the type of situation that will possibly spring from events such as this. It's put me in something of a funk for the last couple of days, and I told myself a long time ago that things happening in a game wouldn't do that to me anymore. Good lord I hope I haven't put this blog in my forum profile somewhere.
I'm sure if there's anyone left reading this, I've told them that I've been heavily engrossed in Champions Online for the last couple of months. I've joined up with a pretty great supergroup and had a generally good time. Really that is until the other day when a great group of people put together a costume contest and really did a great job of organizing the chaos. Of course you're going to have people spouting off at the mouth about how they should have won, and how the judges were biased and so on and so forth. But I think what really bothers me is the elitism that sprang forth from the SG that i'm a part of concerning who the winners were. Which kind of lends to the topic of this post, anonymity and things that it spawns in normally decent people.
The problem with something such as a costume contest is that they are completely subjective. There are no hard and fast rules as to how and who people should win or lose. In this case, there's three judges, three different perspectives, and three different ideas of what they, personally, think is "best". Imagine trying to get those three perspectives in line with having to judge probably close to 70 different people's ideas of what they think is the "best costume". of course people are gonna get all hurt and angry over it. But, i think what bothers me is the reaction of some in my group. They decided, that since they didn't win, they were going to put on their own costume contest, by their rules, and basically find a way to make sure that they win. Unlike some of the other games, I haven't gotten close, personally, with but maybe a handful of people in the group. This perhaps may tint my opinion and experience a bit in this case, but I feel that it was utter arrogance on the SG's part to do this and has basically made me decide that I won't be participating in the group's Costume Contest.
It's funny to listen to someone 'take sides' in a video game, but i feel that our group is in the wrong and it's simple arrogance that is taking them further down the path. I've always felt that when it comes to SG's, Guilds, Kinships, or whatever the name for a group of people playing under one banner, the biggest downfall of them all is the arrogance and simple ballsiness that comes from the complete anonymity of the internet. This may sound like an incredibly fine point to be harping on, but truly there's a small feeling of betrayal and loss of respect with, what I should most probably call...a dick move.
Again, there's an incredible amount of effort that's put into running something like that, an incredible amount of patience to deal with the outburst and outcry of the people who didn't win that they have to deal with, not to mention the pure logistics of organizing things, gathering prizes, making sure everything's how you want to make it. There's going to be people claiming that they're playing favorites, and all sorts of arguments that makes even thinking about running a second one a living hell, I would imagine.
The problem is that the two groups are, or maybe were...not sure what the sentiments are like nowadays, close. I'm sure that after some of the things said that the relationship dynamic might change a bit. It's not my place, nor in my ability to say for sure. But again it seems to come down to pure arrogance. I can't abide by arrogance for too long. So what I guess I'm getting off my chest is that, once again, I'm starting to feel that discontent that always seems to come from getting involved with a large SG. This time though, I will not start up my own Supergroup like in CoH. If I leave it may well spell the end of my days playing CO. The last fall-out in CoH took me out of the game entirely for nine months, the second one driving me completely away from the game. As much as I don't want that to happen, I can't feel and deal with the type of situation that will possibly spring from events such as this. It's put me in something of a funk for the last couple of days, and I told myself a long time ago that things happening in a game wouldn't do that to me anymore. Good lord I hope I haven't put this blog in my forum profile somewhere.
4.18.2007
Changes is Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes...
I'm sure everybody's noticed the incredibly generic look to this blog of late. Mainly it's because when I converted over to the new google blogger version of stuff, it deleted my template, and silly me never had the brilliant thought to back it up. So, anywho we're stuck with things the way they are until things change. But to be honest I could really give a shit the way this blog looks. As I'm sure anybody who still reads this thing is aware, I haven't regularly updated in probably close to a year to a year and a half. The reason for that is quite simple. I've got a hell of a super group to run in City of Heroes. E-Branch has grown much farther beyond what I could have imagined. There's a bunch of new people, new coalitions, and new fun to be had. So honestly that takes up a majority of what used to be my blogging time.
Things aren't much different to be honest. I've been updating the base in CoH and trying to make everything run smoothly. There's been some issues here and there, but all in all it's been a great trip. We're in the process of helping out a member of our coalition with their current base issues, so we're turning a bit of our attention from ourselves to our allies to help them out any way that we can. It hurts us a little bit, but it helps everybody out in the long run. I hate to see a good supergroup start going down the tubes, especially when i feel partially responsible for it. A lot of the Cold Front members have been playing alts in my SG, taking prestige away from their own SG. So we're trying to reciprocate a bit and transfer some of our active alts over there. Of course this really couldn't have taken place at a worse time for us, where we're dead in the middle of needing Prestige ourselves for our own upgrades. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it i'm sure.
Things aren't much different to be honest. I've been updating the base in CoH and trying to make everything run smoothly. There's been some issues here and there, but all in all it's been a great trip. We're in the process of helping out a member of our coalition with their current base issues, so we're turning a bit of our attention from ourselves to our allies to help them out any way that we can. It hurts us a little bit, but it helps everybody out in the long run. I hate to see a good supergroup start going down the tubes, especially when i feel partially responsible for it. A lot of the Cold Front members have been playing alts in my SG, taking prestige away from their own SG. So we're trying to reciprocate a bit and transfer some of our active alts over there. Of course this really couldn't have taken place at a worse time for us, where we're dead in the middle of needing Prestige ourselves for our own upgrades. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it i'm sure.
3.02.2007
Wow...
Has it really been that long? Anywho things haven't really changed all that much. No, really. it's probably exactly the same as the last time i posted. playing City of Heroes pretty regularly with my own Supergroup now, E-Branch. Most of you who have known me for a good length of time know that i've got an unhealthy fascination with the Necroscope books written by Brian Lumley. That and I started up E-Branch on another server when I first started playing. So when things went sour with my old group it felt only natural that I revive it. It's a very fun group of people that I've collected for the most part. Just like any group of people there are personality clashes and such. But for the most part we can hang out and have a good time.
Other than that same ole same ole. Working at the jetport and going to school at night. makes for some long days. Anyway, that's all i wanted to say. probably not much point in saying much more since nothing much has changed. I've just been, really, existing...not so much living but just getting by.
Mahalo
Other than that same ole same ole. Working at the jetport and going to school at night. makes for some long days. Anyway, that's all i wanted to say. probably not much point in saying much more since nothing much has changed. I've just been, really, existing...not so much living but just getting by.
Mahalo