strange vibes

I've been caught in something of a strange mood all day for some reason. I've been thinking back on a lot of stuff for odd reasons and I've realised that i've done a lot of bad things to a lot of people over the years. Yes, we all do bad things at one time or another, but there's people out there that had done nothing wrong short of loving me in one form or another that I've ultimately done wrong in some way. Again I know that we hurt the ones we love and all that but I really can't help but feel bad about them. Why this presses on me now I'll never know but if I've done something to you in the past then I apologize. There are just some things that I can't explain so that others will understand and I really can't help the way that my heart and mind travel.

At times I've been called a prick, at others I've most likely been called far worse. I am all of these things. I'm sure that we all have skeletons in our collective closets; some worse than others. But the point is that everything weighs on you whether you believe it does or not, or whether you meant to do something or not. The choices you didn't make, the selfish choices that you did make. All of them leave some sort of mark on you. Some of these people ultimately learn from and correct so as not to hurt somebody else like that again. Some people shut others out so entirely that no one can understand what goes on behind those eyes. And this will be some people's downfall. I'm just as guilty as anybody else. I don't like people to read me because I don't like lending out more of myself than I really have to. Some people just make me open up just by being there. Strangely enough most of these people live in other states.

I couldn't really tell you why any of this weighs on me now like it does but perhaps I can feel a little better about things knowing that this is out here and that if you are in a similar situation then know that you're not alone and that some things you can't make amends for. All you can do is move on with your life and hope that things work out for the best for everybody else involved. I have a strong belief in Karma. This is not why I say all of this now, however if you feel like your life is turning to shit and you don't know why...apologize to someone you've wronged. It may not change your life, but you'll at least feel a little better about yourself.

updating and such...

I've done absolutely nothing for the last couple of days. It's been kinda nice but kind of depressing at the same time. There's a sick little one at the moment that is absolutely miserable, and so everybody is miserable. I've been playing CoH and kinda being a little depressed. The state of Maine has been kind enough to remind me that I've been unemployed for three months now. It's one of those things where you know you're doing what you can to fix the situation and yet no good is coming of it. I had to go to a career workshop two weeks ago and aside from being a complete waste of my time aside from satisfying the state's requirements for me to stay on Unemployment, the lady said something about not being depressed about being unemployed. And they all have the canned speech about how they've all been there before and such and they know what we're going through, like it's some sort of AA intervention. Well I am depressed about it and the kind people at the state can't seem to figure out why. Here's the skinny. I've now worked for two different AC companies in the last 2 years since I've moved up from florida. When I moved up I needed to get my gas and oil licenses in Maine. Both companies hired me, for essentially nothing, under the pretense that they'd get me these licenses. Two years and two companies later I still don't have either. As soon as things get tight I get laid off for either lack of work or not having my licenses (!) So my prospects of working in anything that doesn't involve taking orders for fries seems to be pretty slim. This is especially considering that the state won't help me go back to school. So which part of this am I not supposed to be depressed about? That is all

Mahalo

Updates and Dev Digest Week 2

I tacked the second week dev digest because there was nothing that went on in the group. A couple of characters trickled their way in but no other activity. Hopefully there will be more activity soon or I'm just gonna have to run the story myself. No planned revisions in the works. There's some stuff I plan on implementing but I want to wait to see how the current systems work together

Other than that it's been pretty quiet around here. Been playing some CoH and talking on Trillian with a friend, sometimes two. I've been writing a lot lately and really can't turn the valve off for some reason. I took a couple of weeks off of writing so I could address some issues here at the casa and such and once again, once I start i can't turn the frikkin thing off. Damn I need a vacation from being unemployed...

Mahalo

Dev Digest - Week 1

Well as I've mentioned before I've got a yahoo group set up to playtest my RPG. There are things that I should have been very aware of before I set about this thing. The first thing is how badly I organised the book itself. I sat through and just like any regular player attempted to create a character by the book. It was nigh impossible. I've got information scattered all around the manual and if i didn't have an intricate knowledge of where things were located then I would have just thrown my hands up in frustration. So I've added a character creation Quick Ref sheet to put the numbers and steps that you need to create a character in one spot. So that issue was resolved but I'm still gonna need to go back and reorganise the book, almost in its entirety.

Second I've realised a small error in judgment on my part. I've looked over the system and actually played through some mock combat with some random creatures. There was no really chance. either i killed something with no real effort, or it killed me with the same ease. So I've written up, but not yet introduced a simple dice system and even created a tiny dice rolling script for it. The system is very simple and just creates a modifier to either add or subtract to your ability numbers to introduce some chaos to things. I didn't really want to use dice with this system because I had originally created the systems around PBEM games where i didn't want to trust someone else's integrity on their dice rolls. But it didn't really lend to an interesting system, so I felt a very simple dice system using just 2 6 sided dice would work best.

On the coat tails of that I felt that I'd screwed up with my initiative system as well. It would have been a pretty dynamic system but I felt that it didn't take advantage of the streamlined, fast action type narrative game that I envisioned. So there were a couple of changes to that and the reflexes attribute. For those in the group who may be reading this, I'll be posting the revision sheet wednesday.